Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
