My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
COCAINE IS GR8
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
