I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Enjoy the penises
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
