I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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