like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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