You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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