just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
i think i just lost a toe
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
