He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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