i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize