I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just pynch a tree in the face
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
