considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize