Swine flu. Run for my life!
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
