Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize