I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
being pregnant is like rehab
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
