At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The power of my boobs compel you
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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