I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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