omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
