I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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