i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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