good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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