i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
