Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
