I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize