i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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