That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
then he tried to convert me to islam
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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