I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
