I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
