I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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