I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
