Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
