in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
