i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
