the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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