Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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