Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
