he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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