im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My vagina is officially offended.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
