I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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