I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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