Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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