I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
