omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
