My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
