saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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