Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
