Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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