He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
