yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
