I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
