2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
