i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
