i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
