I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
