he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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