yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize