just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
