Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
