no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
