you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My dick has a subreddit
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
