one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
it's like heaven, but drunker
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
