best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
