Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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