Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
